The man sitting in seat D27 wouldn't shut up. I had heard about his ideas for fixing the national debt in a matter of weeks by selling water to the homeless on the streets of Omaha, his feelings on why cats were more desirable pets than iguanas, and most recently why time travel was actually possible. It’s not, but that’s beside the point.
If it hadn't been for the fact that they made you turn all of your electronic devices off until the plane was safely airborne these days, I would have been able to drown out these nonsensical ramblings. But apparently the FAA and all of the brainless airlines actually believe that my iPod will do irreparable damage to some essential part of the plane’s electronics and cause us to go down in a ball of flames as soon as the wheels leave the runway. Seriously, if they spent as much time worrying about how to get people from place to place faster and more efficiently instead of my iPod, we might actually be in the air instead of sitting on a little used taxiway in Tampa waiting for…honestly I have no idea what we’re waiting for.
A stewardess, sorry, flight attendant comes ambling down the aisle, false smile plastered all over her face. She tries to hide her frustration at the situation but I can tell by the little beads of sweat on her forehead that the pressure of the situation is clearly getting to her. I catch her eye as politely as I can.
“Excuse me, do you know how long we’re going to be sitting her?”
The smile gets even more forced.
“We’ll probably be here another ten to fifteen minutes at the most. If I get any more information from the captain, I’ll be sure to let everyone know.”
I pulled the airline’s magazine out of the back of the seat in front of me and settled in to try and find an article I hadn't read yet but was again interrupted.
“Missy, you said that it would be ten to fifteen minutes about a half hour ago. Now what in the hell are you trying to pull on us here. I don’t know about the rest of these people, but I've got places to be and I can’t sit here on a plane all morning.”
I shook my head and muttered under my breath, “important homeless rally in Omaha?”
For a big guy, he actually moved pretty quick. He shoved the woman in C27 back into her seat and climbed over her into the aisle, took two giant steps toward me and clasped his hands around my neck before I could even realize the danger I had just put myself in.
“What did you say smart ass?”